Welcome to Badcast! A new way for you to kill time at work or something to read while ignoring your responsibilities! Here we will take a look at past films and reimagine them with a much different cast. This isn’t a reflection on the quality of the film or the talents of specific actors or actresses but instead looking at what could have been.
This week’s film: Guardians of the Galaxy
There will be a spoiler for Guardians of the Galaxy.
Star-Lord – Alden Ehrenreich
Right off the bat we have the fearless leader of this group of scoundrels, Peter Quill. The protagonist we follow from the very beginning in this space opera. Peter is a witty, womanizing, smart-ass who’s only looking out for number 1. This ‘Han Solo’ type character should be played by a ‘Han Solo’ type actor, Alden Ehrenreich.
Chris Pratt did an okay job but do you know what Ehrenreich has never had to do for a role? Lose weight. If Chris Pratt was “born” for this role than he wouldn’t have spent months working his butt off in the gym. Alden was blessed with perfect space-pirate genetics.
Alden is the ‘Diet Coke’ to Chris’s ‘Coca-Cola.’ Not as good and has half the calories.
Gamora – Rosie Huntington-Whiteley
Remember when the only people who knew of Rosie were fashion designers and lonely men in their basement? Those were simpler times.
Rosie blew up when Michael Bay decided to make a lateral move and replace Megan Fox with her in Transformers: Dark of my B-Hole. Since then, she has appeared in such prominent films as Mad Max: Fury Road and that’s it. This poor woman thought her big break into Hollywood would be from starring as the new female lead in the Transformers franchise and if that isn’t the most disgusting practical joke ever pulled on a human than I don’t know what is.
Let’s give her a second chance by painting her green and throwing her into space.
Drax – Edward Norton
For the role of Drax, I knew I would have to cast someone that is an absolute unit of a man and knows how to play the “big, angry guy.” I couldn’t think of anyone and had a deadline so I decided ol’ Eddy Nort would have to do (which is how I assume he got the role in The Incredible Hulk).
Edward Norton is a class act. A true artiest who only agrees projects that are worth his time and talent. This won’t be the Oscar-level film he is accustomed to but he’ll do his damndest to try and not rag on the film ten years later.
Also, is it just me or does he have “sad eyes?” Like, he’s constantly thinking about that time his mom gave him only underwear for his 12th birthday because he kept “ruining” the other pairs. Poor little fella.
Rocket – Don Cheadle
I know what you’re thinking, and yes, this will lead to a “Rocket Raccoon/War Machine” team-up movie that you never knew you wanted. The downside is Terence Howard will be back as War Machine.
Don Cheadle just oozes charisma everywhere he goes. He has that sarcastic, no guff voice and attitude that fits so well with Rocket. In my opinion, he can pull off Rocket better than Bradley “The Coops” Cooper ever could. I bet ‘The Coops’ didn’t even wear a raccoon costume on the set.
Groot – Michael Cera
Michael Cera isn’t doing too much as of late. Let’s superglue some twigs and leaves onto him, shave his head and creeper mustache and let him run around for 2 hours pretending to look at a CGI raccoon. He’ll also have no problem uttering “I am Groot” the whole time because he looks like he isn’t comfortable saying more than 3 words at a time.
“But what about the scene where he sacrifices his life to save his new friends?”
Simple: Michael Cera will die for the good of the movie. Like I said, he isn’t doing much these days.
Let’s hope they can get it in one take.
BONUS CAST (DIRECTOR EDITION):Zack Snyder
Can you imagine the 2.5 out of 5 movie arc this man would give the Guardians?
There you have it! A bunch of Grade-A casting choices that flew by the wayside. I hope you enjoyed reading this! Let us know what your thoughts @superbromovies on Twitter and tweet us any bad casting choices you think should’ve happened! And be sure to check out last week’s Badcast right here.
Guardians of the Galaxy is in a dust pile near you!